As my plasma rifle tears through the last grotesque, biomechanical demon in the room, the door opens, and I sprint down a winding hallway. In a small room at the end of the hall, I find a familiar and very welcome sight— a floating, bright green body armor pickup. And beside it, the blue key card that will get me into the next demon-infested wing of this labyrinthine facility. No, I’m not playing id Software’s first person, demon-slaying masterpiece, Doom. I’m playing chunkybox games’ top-down, twin-stick demon-slaying shovelware, Wildcat Gun Machine! Read on to find out why you shouldn’t!

In Wildcat Gun Machine, you play as a badass chick with an eye patch and the mysterious ability to return from death with the help of ghostlike kitty cats. The game is completely devoid of any story beyond this. Who is this cyclopian cat lady? Why is she murdering the innocent demons inhabiting this abandoned complex? Why is the cat skull tattoo on her arm also emblazoned on the giant doors to a hell dimension? What happened here, and what is her connection to this place? And what’s with the ghost kitties? Wildcat Gun Machine concerns itself with none of this.

Now, before I start ripping and tearing into this game, let me start with the positives. I’m positive this game sucks. No, I’m kidding, it’s not all bad. The art direction is decent. With a vibrant neon color palette, cute demons, and a nice grain filter that lends a bit of atmosphere to everything, Wildcat Gun Machine looks good in both handheld mode and on a big tv.

Enemies are distinct and varied enough to read clearly and quickly, so it’s easy to keep track of what’s going on in the heat of combat. Projectiles are highly visible, and I was never left wondering what the hell I got killed by. The UI is minimal and unobtrusive, displaying your health bar, armor, super meter, and character portrait in the upper left corner, your current gun, ammo count, grenade and dash cooldowns in the lower right, and your bones, the game’s currency, in the lower left. In my favorite little nod to Doom, your character portrait changes from calm to maniacal as your health depletes. Wildcat Gun Machine is a cool looking game, and its controls are smooth and responsive. Unfortunately, it’s just kind of boring. And, also, it has some fundamental design flaws that compound on each other to ruin the whole experience. But I’ll get to that in a minute.